FINE.

[xp_tarot]

I cannot help anyone, I cannot fix anything, and when I try, people stop me.

I am tired of this.

When I do not try to understand what I see, people get hurt. When I -do-, I get my cards and notebook taken away "for my own good" and by my own BOYFRIEND.

When I am nice and polite, I cannot be honest, and I get accused of talking behind people's backs. When I am honest, I am obviously wrong, and too hard on people.

I am tired of this. I am tired of having to be what everyone else wants me to be. I am tired of being too harsh for people are who nice and happy and too happy for the people who are miserable. I am sick and tired of trying to pretend like I do not hurt, that I am not tired and full of stress.

I cannot help anyone, the people who are supposed to help me do not care enough, and I have to keep helping them instead. I still have headaches, I still do not understand what I see. My mentor breaks his brain twice a month, my boyfriend cannot be bothered to wake up in time on his own for classes, and it is not like we have -done- anything in over a month.

My so-called friends barely speak to me, too busy with all their own problems.

You can all go to hell.

Comments

[x-shinobi.livejournal.com]

Since I'm already going to hell, I think I'll take my chances in replying. Besides, I don't like seeing people I'm fond of in such upset.

I'm not going to address any of the specifics, though. What I will do is ask if there's anything I can do. I'm very easy to rant at, I'm told, and my door is always open - though if it would be a loud rant, perhaps we should go outside, so we wouldn't disturb Sam.

You're welcome to reiterate the 'go to hell', of course, but it won't do much good. Already going there. Being told to do it doesn't really upset me.

[x-tarot.livejournal.com]

Where the hell were you when I killed someone, Shinobi? Where were you when Manuel got into my head and tried to force me to tell him what I saw?

If you cared, you would have said something -before- I had to go and make a scene.

[x-vega.livejournal.com]

This is why the school employs one of the finest child psychiatrists in the country, Marie-Ange. I'll drop Dr Samson a note this evening so that he can make time for you tomorrow. Your legs aren't broken, neither is your mind, and you're obviously capable of expressing yourself fully. There should be no hindrance to you resolving this issue once you have an appointment. If you need any assistance in finding his office, I'll be happy to help you.

[x-shinobi.livejournal.com]

I was in Boston, I believe, helping someone kill six people.

You're right, though. You are making a scene.

[x-tarot.livejournal.com]

I already -see- Dr. Samson, Paul.

I have for several months. Once a week. We talk about my stupid visions and how I should not have to feel like I must help everyone.

Because of course, my power cannot -possibly- be useful and I should never try to push it to help anyone. That might mean he would not have any new patients here.

[x-tarot.livejournal.com]

You were here, because Sarah was here for her exams. Evil Jamie kidnapped Miles and Artie. Maybe you might remember this?

[x-shinobi.livejournal.com]

Sarah came back for her exams without me, if my memory serves. Maybe you might remember that.

But, I suppose it would be too much to ask for you to think of anyone but yourself in the midst of a teenage hissyfit.

[x-vega.livejournal.com]

Then you should go and see him and tell him this instead of throwing a public tantrum. I thought better of you than that. You are perfectly capable of speaking up for yourself, both with Dr Samson and with anyone else. This, as Shinobi points out, is a scene.

Your power cannot be useful? That's ridiculous and you know it. There are instances on record of some of your mutation's functions being quite useful.

Should you push it? No, you shouldn't, not without supervision and assistance. That's absolutely correct. You can probably damage yourself just as fast with your power as I can damage myself with mine. You should no more push yourself too far with it than you should train too hard without a coach.

And the idea that Dr Samson is holding you back is really silly. I have no other word for it.

You should absolutely not feel like you need to help everyone. Precognitives can suffer psychological damage from the effects of their gifts, on many levels. Depression, addiction, and suicide are very real dangers. If you want to put your gifts to a practical use, perhaps you should enlist in Dr McTaggart's powers training, if you have not done so already.

..

[x-tarot.livejournal.com]

She said you were here. We asked.

I am TIRED of thinking of everyone -but- myself, Shinobi. I only get kicked in the arse when I try to help people. The last time, my so-called boyfriend, who I thought understood, went through my things and took away all my cards.

Before that? I ended up killing someone who looked just like one of my best friends.

I could not help Sarah. I could not tell what I was seeing.
I could not help Angelo. I could not stop Alex from getting hurt. I couldn't help Jamie, and when I tried to help Nathan, he and Doug STOPPED ME.

I have not been able to help Amanda or Manuel or anyone, and I do not see how I am going to be able to stop any of the rest of the things I see from happening, because every time I get close, someone STOPS ME.

[x-shinobi.livejournal.com]

But you didn't come looking for me yourself. Maybe I wasn't here at all. Do you know for sure?

Doug took your cards and notes away because, as I recall, you were exhausted to the point of sounding damn near schizophrenic. You complain about Nathan breaking his brain every two seconds - you were well on the way to breaking your own. Doug loves you, and did not want to see you hurt, so he did what he could to try and help you. If you can't see the gesture for what it is, I reccomend you speak to Nathan, Moira, Charles, and Samson on the topic. All four of them.

Keep speaking to Samson about Skippy. I can't offer any advice there, because I'm seeing him for similar troubles.

I couldn't stop Sarah, and I was right there. I couldn't help Angelo, nor stop Alex from getting hurt, and the Black Court of the Hellfire Club is my family, my element, where I was raised. I couldn't help Jamie, and when I tried to help Nathan, my powers were rendered useless and I got the asswhuppin' of my life.

Talk to Charles. In person. Public temper tantrums don't do anything but remind me of Manuel.

[x-tarot.livejournal.com]

There is -one- instance. ONE. Once in over a year.

I HAD a coach. He got shot, got kidnapped, got shot again, and then got brainwashed. None of which, I suppose is really his fault. Except that I saw the last one, and -he- stopped me from trying to figure out what I was seeing.

Maybe I am having a temper tantrum. Of course, I am the one who gets yelled at for it, when half a dozen other people could have one and not a word is said to them.

But this is, of course, typical. Who yelled at Jubilee? Who yells at Manuel? None of you lot, certainly.

I do not -care- if anyone expected better of me. I am tired of expectations. I am human, I am tired, and I am sick of no one caring enough to try to understand.

Ugh. This is rediculous.

[x-marrow.livejournal.com]

Would people please stop blaming themselves for me being a moron? PLEASE? Thanks.

Now you know...

[x-empath.livejournal.com]

how I feel.

In just about all particulars.

So I empathize. Of course, I know what you think about me and my thinking habits, so this will not mean a damned thing to you.

But I do understand.

Manuel

..

[x-tarot.livejournal.com]

Doug loves me. Right. I am his rock. I keep -him- afloat. I support him. Of course, he has not responded. But then, he always runs away from things that scare him just when I need him most.

Maybe I -should- remind you of Manuel. At least then I would understand why it takes me making a scene to get some attention.

Re: Ugh. This is rediculous.

[x-tarot.livejournal.com]

I am not blaming you for what you did. I am just tired of seeing it and not being able to do a damn thing to stop it. I am blaming me for what I cannot do.

Re: Now you know...

[x-tarot.livejournal.com]

And of course, you chime in. I expected as much.

Can you -ever- try to say ANYTHING nice without tainting it with your usual brand of self-involved whining?

[x-vega.livejournal.com]

You obviously are tired, Marie-Ange. No one is yelling at you and I have not been around to witness any of the other public scenes, nor are any of the others being thrown by my teaching assistant. Your insistence that no one cares, in this place, is nothing short of ludicrous. This is the most annoyingly caring place I have been in during my thirty-four years.

If you can cite me a single example of when you approached a teacher - other than Nathan and he is exempt here because he damn well should not have been trying to teach anyway - and been rejected or your problems minimalized, I will be shocked.

[x-shinobi.livejournal.com]

So that's what this is all about. You aren't getting enough attention.

Re: Ugh. This is rediculous.

[x-marrow.livejournal.com]

You were not going to be able to stop me.

Let me repeat that. You were not going to be able to stop me. I don't care if you'd seen the whole thing, with big neon signs that said "Sarah is going to die and never come back". I'd have still gone, and nobody short of Callisto was going to fucking stop me.

So stop beating yourself up over it.

That /was/ nice.

[x-empath.livejournal.com]

Let's not lie to one another.

Manuel

[x-tarot.livejournal.com]

-Everyone- knows I am precognitive. Everyone knows I have insomnia and nightmares. Has anyone checked on me when I look tired? Not generally, no.

My guidance counselor could care less. Probably because I had a small crush on him a year and a half ago. Who knows? Not me.

Dr. MacTaggart has Nathan to worry about, and her powers classes for people who blow things up. Nathan has Amanda -and- Jubilee now. Ms. Frost has Jono and Manuel.

I am a bit tired of being invisible.

[x-tarot.livejournal.com]

Why should I -not- want attention? At least, for once, someone is listening to me now!

Re: Ugh. This is rediculous.

[x-tarot.livejournal.com]

At least someone would have known...

Or you might have been able to try something that would not have made you die. I do not know. I am...

Dieu. Sarah, I should have known. I am tired of seeing people die when they do not -have- to.

[x-vega.livejournal.com]

Well, you have people's attention now, Marie-Ange.

You are responsible enough to seek help when you need it. That's what adults do. And, unfair or not, I am making the assumptiong that you are a young adult. If I am incorrect, feel free to say so, I will adjust my treatment of you accordingly.

Re: ..

[x-havok.livejournal.com]

I could not stop Alex from getting hurt.

I'm uh...I'm not going to try and correct anything you've said, I'll leave that to those who are better at it...except this. You say you don't get to help people, but wasn't it because of you Emma was able to find me in the first place? I seriously might not be back here if not for you and I don't think I will ever be able to thank you enough for it.

So yeah, I don't know about the rest, but I wanted you to know that you *did* help someone.